N a i j a m a n i a c

...nuts about Naija

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Cleaning The Web

A villager just logged on to the internet. I’m told with the internet, the world is a global village, thus everyone online is a villager. Little wonder the things people do online: walk into a cyber cafe or look around if you’re in a cafe reading this piece then you’ll be amazed at what some 80% of your fellow online villagers are doing right now.

Someone is logged in to Facebook whom you might probably help with this piece of advice: please, why not face your books or do something more reasonable? Time na money, you haven’t heard? Mike Okri has been singing it since the 1970’s. Most Facebook users don’t even know what it means to poke. They think it means lovemaking so they poke photogenic users with sexy profile pictures. Some Facebook fellows have over a thousand friends with just two followers. I don’t even know what advice to give them, guess they sent fiend requests instead of friend requests: the edit friends’ option might be the right decision. Some Facebook users change relationship status like panties - an indication they will end up polygamous or never see the dusk of a stable marriage. I’m making plans on contacting Mark Zuckerberg so that soon, Facebook will have a Sex Hormone Metre which will aid such people to put their hormones under check.

The next gypsy over there is logged in to Badoo searching for e-love. WYSI(N)WYG, you’ll both masturbate and fondle yourselves to utter discomfort. Such a sorry situation! Some feeble-minded men even get duped by very sexy smart female ‘Badoos’, they never get to meet them or see anything above their knees let alone catch a glimpse of the bushy junction which they so lustfully desire out of sight.

Some Twitters are parrots, good comedians. Talent dey waste! The Ali Baba business would profit them if they were to commercialize this talent. My very good friend calls people who always chat, ‘chatters’. Monkeys chatter and to chatter means to converse about unimportant things. So, between twitters and chatters, choose ye this day, whom ye shall be.

Yahoo! You have a new spam mail: some Yahoo-Yahoo yahoo online villager just sent you a scam mail. These Yahoo-Yahoo online villagers are smarter than Gates; they chill out online a whole day feeding on cookies conning their cookie so they can’t be trailed. Time up! No beef, Newsflash: the Economic and Financial Crimes Commission (EFCC) just beefed-up their security tracking systems. Advice: log out before the eagle eye sights you and hands you over to the men in black. Reciting Ave Maria in a Black Maria would be too late.

Some passwords are too weak, please toggle them. Some security checks are meant to protect your interest, please abide by the instructions. Some sites are x-rated, the controls are necessary. Some rude blog comments are posted by e-thugs: paper tigers, they can’t hurt a fly. Some malwares are dangerous; they’ll crash your ‘system’, trash your invaluable works and although a current and regularly updated anti-virus will cost some cash, save the crash. Some users never find what they’re looking for on Google, they need goggles. Some Uniform Resource Locator’s (URL) are notjustok(.com), they define their course. Some websites do not include Nigeria in their list of countries: it’s either the web owners have a low IQ and are scared Nigerians will outsmart them or need to peruse a copy of an encyclopaedia of nations.
Some online villagers are following the naijamaniac’s blog blindly. They’ll never see a piece of sense in any piece.

The web is filthy. Just cleaning up the cobwebs.

1 comment:

  1. Hahaha, Driving the point home, while evoking laughter along the way. Who does that? Lol. Very creative write-up.